Critique a part of my story please?
Chapter 1
With a last screeching groan the truck skidded to a complete stop.
“No!” I squeaked through my hoarse throat as desperation took over me. My heart started to race as each beat became intense and prominent in my chest. Feeling overwhelmed and frightened I fumbled with the keys in the ignition and tried to start the truck, nothing happened.
“Oh come on, please!” I cried in defeat, as I tried again this time the truck hissed angrily back as white clouds of steam started to rise from the bonnet the truck. I threw my head against the steering wheel and let the tears stream down my cheeks. I had only made it to the bridge on the outskirts of Riverside, the three mile long bridge that led off into Linkin, but it wasn’t enough.
Remembering my head shot up as my eyes darted to the rear view mirror.
I could make out faint headlights in the distance, It was the only set of headlights on the road, It was them. They were following me.
“Oh god” I said as more tears streaked down my face. My heart sank to my stomach and a lump rose in my throat. I felt cold and clammy but yet the heat started creeping up my neck. Panic started to rise from the pit of my stomach. They were coming to get me.
Without a moment’s hesitation I abruptly opened my seat belt, opened the door, and quickly walked to the front of the truck. Even without opening the bonnet I knew the truck was unfixable. Old trucks, like the ones from Riverside, were not built for highways. I knew then what I had to do, I had to run. I had to fight for my chance of getting away from them
I looked around, and saw a faint dirt road leading off into the forest next to the narrow road the truck broke down on. There was no point in running for the bridge; I would be too easy to catch then. With my heart still racing and the tears still streaming I ran as fast as I could into the forest. Soon I was surrounded by darkness.
I could make out the long thick trees from the moonlight, but it was hard to see the little branches sticking out or the thick undergrowth underneath my feet. It felt like claws against my skin as they ripped through, burning where they cut, but my fear over took the pain. I didn’t think my heart could beat any faster, but it did. I pushed through the thick bushes and ran around the trees trying my best not to collide with them. My breathing started to get heavier, and my legs started to ache. I heard faint voices shouting in the distance. I couldn’t make out the words but I knew it was them. I imagined them finding the truck and knowing I ran into the forest. They would follow, they would pursue me. I broke out into a maniac sprint, forgetting my aching legs or the dryness in my sore throat. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew, I needed to keep running. Head starts were nothing to the men that chased me.
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This is the last time I’m going to post the beginning of this story, but I just wanted to see what people think of it at the moment. Also the grammar is probably not perfect. Is it at all intriguing, would you read on. If not how can I make it more? Thank you everyone who answered. I’ll highly appreciateit !
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Tags: Critique, heart, hoarse throat, part, please, rear view mirror, story, thick trees, throat, truck
6 Responses to “Critique a part of my story please?”
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great description!
I like it as I want to read on to find out what or who the huys are and I really like it!
=) Keep it up
It’s pretty good so far, it made me want to keep reading and grabbed my attention in the first sentence.
I didn’t feel like “squeaked” well described how someone would talk if they had a dry throat. Maybe croaked, groaned?
I’d move the second sentence about her heart starting to race till after the third one, so that people immediately know what’s happening.
The line “Remembering my head shot up as my eyes darted to the rear view mirror” is a bit confusing. Try putting something before the verb, like “Suddenly blah blah blah”.
You describe how she is feeling well, but try to be more concise. Cut down the description to make it as short and powerful as you can.
In the line “It felt like claws against my skin as they ripped through”, it should be “They felt like claws” so that both phrases agree.
Good job, I hope you keep writing.
Well. I’m intrigued
. That’s the best and luckily most important part of the story. I want to know what’s going on.
Though where it suffers is in redundant exposition and you’re “telling” me, not “showing me”. I felt like I wasn’t so much reading the characters experience but having it told to me well after the fact. Try and avoid flatly describing the characters emotion – have that be apparent within the story. It makes for a much more engaging read and it doesn’t separate the audience from the action by a step.
What I would write…
I kept twisting the key in the truck’s ignition, each time the engine responded with a dull ‘thunk’ followed by nothing. My heart hammered in my chest and the blood pulsed so loudly through my ears that I couldn’t think. Somewhere behind the tight knot of fear in the pit of my gut I knew that this truck wouldn’t start but I didn’t have any other choice.
Linkin was a short three miles away. Just across the bridge but far to far to go on foot. And staying in Riverside was a death sentence. I slumped against the steering wheel and started to cry. My hand was growing sore from the futile trying of the trucks engine. I had no back up plan. Why didn’t I have a back up plan? I sat up with a final try of the key and saw smoke spilling from beneath the truck’s hood. The truck was dead and so was I.
what I kept in mind when I was writing that was the intensity of the scene. I chopped out all the dialog because, while the character might actually be saying that, it’s not vital to the story and the reader get’s the gist from the characters actions and the situation. Also the foreboding little bits about the mysterious “THEM” which is a nice touch.
Now that’s just my style, not saying it’s right or wrong but I’ve found in the various workshops I’ve been a apart of it helps to see your stories rewritten by someone else to see how they would tackle your narrative flow.
Good stuff!
Present tense is more exciting, though. Example:
“No—!” Squeaking through my hoarse throat, desperation begins to take me over. My heart starts racing as each beat becomes evermore intense and prominent in my wavering chest. Feeling overwhelmed and frightened I fumble with the keys in the ignition. I try desperately to start the truck; however, nothing happens.
and maybe more adjectives and try not to repeat so much. The worst are the “I’s” at the beginings of many sentances.
I could make out the long thick trees from the moonlight, but it was hard to see the little branches sticking out or the thick undergrowth underneath my feet
to…
While struggling to see the hungry little branches that lashed out of the thick undergrow beneath my uncertain steps, I could still make out the long thick trees reveled by the merciful moonlight.
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